


Moving Up

by katbear



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3549752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katbear/pseuds/katbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of the consequences when Spock decides he wants a change in their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Up

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the betas for this story, Merry Amelie and Charlotte. All mistakes are my own.
> 
> This story appeared in the Escapade 25th Anniversary zine in March 2015.

Kirk nodded as he finished signing the datapad and handed it back to the yeoman. He took a slow look around the bridge, noting with pleasure the easy efficiency of the crew. His gaze paused briefly on the figure of his first officer, and he allowed himself a slight upward shift of the corners of his mouth in anticipation of their upcoming shore leave. They had been lovers for only a few months, a very discreet and far too infrequent relationship to suit his desires, and it would be their first opportunity to be together away from the ship. His thoughts drifted as he let his eyes wander absently around the bridge again; yes, he was definitely looking forward to this shore leave.

*************** ****************

The hot sun warmed bare skin as Kirk walked out of the blue-green ocean. Soft waves lapped at his knees as he paused to shake the water from his face. He smiled as he glanced around at the sheltered cove and small cabin sitting just inside the tree line. It wasn’t the fanciest or most luxurious place, but it had the basic amenities and, most important of all, privacy. The smile widened when his gaze settled on the lanky figure stretched out on the old blanket. He sauntered across the white sand and dropped down next to Spock.

Playfully running a wet hand down the Vulcan’s chest and belly, Kirk grinned as he watched the muscles ripple and contract from the cool contact. 

“It’s too nice a day for sleeping,” Kirk teased, fingers trailing back up the taut stomach.

Eyes firmly closed, Spock replied, “Dr. McCoy has repeatedly urged me to take shore leave in order to rest. Therefore, I am resting.”

“There are a lot of ways to rest.” Kirk leered, fingers carding through his companion’s dark chest hair. “Engaging in enjoyable activities can be even more restful than just sleeping.”

“If the purpose of resting is to conserve energy, I suspect that the activities you have in mind are hardly conducive to that purpose,” Spock answered dryly.

“Ah, but if you expend enough of the right kind of energy, you’ll sleep much better.” Kirk smirked wickedly as his fingers wandered lower to nudge the waistband of his first officer’s black shorts.

Spock finally opened his eyes, rolled up on his side and propped himself on one elbow. “I must admit that the proposed energy expenditure does have a certain attraction,” he said quietly. Intercepting the wayward fingers, he brought Kirk’s hand to his mouth and brushed the knuckles with a light kiss.

“Well, I’ve got lots of energy I want to expend on you, my friend.” Kirk leaned forward to kiss Spock, but paused halfway as he noted the slight frown marring the elegant features.

“Spock?” He knew his lover had an intense desire for privacy. Kirk looked around. “Would you rather we go inside?”

The silence held for a long moment. Spock still had Kirk’s hand, his long thumb absently rubbing the knuckles. Pulling himself back with a slight start, Spock finally answered. “Inside?” he murmured, “how apropos.” 

“Is something wrong?” Kirk puzzled at the turn the conversation had taken. 

“No, Jim, there is nothing wrong.” Spock looked into Kirk’s face. “I have been contemplating our relationship, however. We have been friends for two point nine years and have been intimate for three point one months, but I have realized that there is still much that we do not truly know about each other.”

“Well, humans and Vulcans can be pretty complicated critters,” Kirk said with a flash of his most charming grin. When he elicited no response, he continued with a studied casualness, “Not having second thoughts about us, are you?”

Apparently recognizing the unstated fear, Spock kissed Kirk’s hand again. “What we have is good,” he said with one of his enigmatic not-quite-smiles. He gave the captive hand a reassuring squeeze. “It is just that there is still much to explore in our relationship.”

“Ah,” Kirk said. He felt stupid, an uncommon occurrence in most of his romantic experience. On the other hand, though, he had found Spock to be both complex and intriguing, sometimes totally unexpected, so perhaps this was simply another of those occasions. “Is there something in particular you wanted to, uh, ‘explore’?"

“Yes.” 

“Oookaaay,” Kirk said. “Exploration is good, keeps life interesting.”

“I need to ask you a question first, Jim.”

“Sure. Fire away.”

“Do you believe that our personal relationship is different from our official, on-duty relationship?”

“Of course, Spock.” Kirk felt his forehead furrow and consciously tried to relax the frown. “I thought we had clearly established that. Off-duty it’s just you and me--friends, equals, partners. I have always tried to keep our official roles out of that as much as was feasible.”

“I merely wished to confirm that you still felt that way,” Spock replied, his voice a shade warmer than usual. “That is how I feel also.” He paused. “I want you to know that I have greatly enjoyed our friendship, and our intimacy has brought me much pleasure.”

“As it has to me. That friendship is very important to me,” Kirk said, sensing the inner twitch that typically denoted impatience. He was not feeling good about the direction this conversation seemed to be taking. “But you said you wanted to do something different?”

“Affirmative.”

“Well, what did you have in mind?”

“In our intimate relationship so far, you have always had the penetrative role,” Spock said. “While this has been pleasurable, as I noted, I would like to reverse our roles occasionally.”

Kirk looked at his lover blankly.

“I believe the appropriate terms are ‘topping’ and ‘bottoming’,” Spock added helpfully.

“I know what the damned terms are,” Kirk snapped. “So, you want to be the . . . top?”

“Affirmative.”

“I see.” But he hadn’t, not until Spock had spelled it out. He deserved to feel stupid, for missing that. 

The awkward silence stretched. Kirk shifted to a cross-legged sitting position, hands on his knees, staring out to sea. Spock waited patiently, face expressionless.

Finally Kirk spoke hesitantly. “Look, it’s not like I don’t want to experiment or anything, it’s just that, well . . . “ 

“You have never done this before, have you?” asked Spock. The slightest tinge of green painted Spock's cheeks and he seemed to be almost embarrassed not to have realized this earlier.

“No,” Kirk said. He looked at Spock, then shrugged. “That’s just how it’s always been.”

It was Spock's turn to utter a stone-faced, “I see.”

More uncomfortable silence. With an almost imperceptible sigh, Spock stood up. “I am going for a walk,” he announced.

“Spock, please wait,” Kirk said a little too loudly, “I’m sure we can work something out.” What, he had no idea. 

“I believe we both need some time to think, Jim,” Spock replied, his tone dark and distant. He nodded briefly before he turned away to tread across the hot sand.

Kirk knelt on both knees, one hand raised, but his normally glib tongue couldn’t find words to say that might bring his lover back. With a sigh of frustration, he dropped his arms to his sides, and watched until Spock had disappeared from view around the point of the cove.

Sinking back onto the blanket, Kirk hugged his knees close to his chest, hanging his head. His own reactions to Spock’s simple request stunned him. James Kirk had always been comfortable with his sexuality – he had enjoyed intimacy with both men and women, and had rarely thought about it. Never one to shirk a difficult task, he forced himself to reexamine his sexual activities and attitudes over the past several years. 

During the course of the honest but painful review, he came to a few unwelcome conclusions. 

An automatic, unthinking door had slammed shut when he realized what Spock had asked. Kirk thought himself a tolerant, broad-minded man, open to new experiences without prejudice, so he was at a loss to understand his immediate rejection of even the thought of playing bottom to Spock’s top. He pushed himself past the initial barrier, began playing with the concept, forcing himself to imagine what it would be like. He pictured himself on hands and knees. 

His skin crawled and twitched at that image. Ruthlessly he pressed on, let a faceless male lover enter his picture. As the figure knelt behind him, Kirk’s stomach twisted in an icy knot; as hands reached to touch him, an eager cock moving toward him, Kirk exploded to his feet.

For several minutes Kirk stood, breathing hard, before slowly walking up and down the beach until he felt able to continue. In control of himself once more, the Starfleet captain took a hard, objective look at his emotions. It took him many more skittish minutes in his head before he could name the feeling that had caused him to draw back from Spock, one that felt alien to his psyche – fear. 

Why was this fear so hard to accept? He wrestled inside for more long minutes before he acknowledged the underlying issue. He feared being vulnerable, letting another have power to control him, physically or emotionally. These were fears that he had never had to face because he never opened himself to that vulnerability. 

Kirk returned to the blanket and sat for a while, staring sightlessly out to sea, as he tried to come to terms with his first revelation. Had it truly always been thus? He moved on to consider his past relationships with others. He had always prided himself on making sure that his partners enjoyed the experience as much, if not more, than he did. But had that been enough?

Bitterness of bile touched the back of his throat as Kirk swallowed hard. No, maybe it hadn't been enough for more than the transient pleasures he had sought and won. Always he had been the one in control, the initiator, the aggressor, always the top in sex. Even in his relationship with Spock, he had been the first to openly speak of their feelings, pushing Spock to acknowledge their love, pushing him, although seemingly with Spock’s full consent and enthusiasm, into intimacy. Yes, James Kirk had been the first to push, and usually the first to leave all of his previous partners, whether they were casual acquaintances or long-term affairs. He had always told himself that his one true passion was Starfleet and his lover was the Enterprise, but Kirk realized now why it had been so easy to leave those others. Without conscious thought, he had been careful to give only enough of himself to satisfy the needs of the moment. He had always held back, always avoided whatever last, full measure of trust that might tie him to another.

Until now.

Kirk’s thoughts turned to Spock. It had taken a long time for them to know each other, longer still to acknowledge their feelings. This was no casual affair between two intense men like themselves; Kirk was convinced that he had finally found the one he would not, could not leave. He and Spock had vowed that rank and their command positions would not be allowed to interfere with their private relationship and vice versa. The Vulcan, having once made the commitment, had kept his side of the bargain, revealing a depth of passion that at times threatened to consume them both. Spock had given him his trust, allowing him to see emotions open to no one else, and Kirk had taken that trust, taken it and willingly embraced it.

But Kirk now had to admit that he had still felt ‘in charge’, that there was still a little bit of himself that he had kept to himself. And Spock knew it, recognized it. Wanted it. Spock’s request forced him to reexamine habits of a lifetime, and his own commitment to their relationship. If he could not reciprocate, could not give a full measure of trust in their physical relationship by putting himself in a position where he felt vulnerable, how could he possibly expect to have full trust in their emotional relationship? For the first time in many years the starship captain was forced to wrestle with demons of personal doubt and uncertainty.

Time and again, Kirk kept circling back to his first reaction to Spock's request. Why did he feel vulnerable? Just what the hell was he really afraid of? He doggedly retraced his steps. He enjoyed being the top, always had. Kirk shook his head, angry; it wasn't just about pleasure. But what then?

What drove James T. Kirk? He pounded a fist on the sand. Power and control, yes. Memories of the Kobayashi Maru test he had rigged so he could win flashed through his mind. So the drive to win, that was part of him, too. But what the hell did that have to do with sex?

Kirk sat up straight and dragged in a slow breath. It had everything to do with sex. Of course, he was the initiator – he admitted to himself he was a hunter, no matter how slick or sophisticated his approach or how sincere his desire to ensure his partner of the moment enjoyed the experience. Winning - that meant he got to be in control. For him at least, topping had come to mean power and control, and he had never questioned that relationship. 

Losing control, that was his fear. Without trust, he could not relinquish control, and he had always trusted himself more than anyone else. Kirk's breath stopped altogether for a long moment as he tried to digest that insight.

But Spock? He was not a conquest, although Kirk had pursued the Vulcan all those months, just as he had pursued so many others. Hindsight and brutal honesty forced him to admit that there had been more than one occasion when Spock had made overtures for reciprocity in bed, overtures he had deftly avoided. Ignorance banished, it was time to answer hard questions.

Afternoon shadows lengthened around the lone figure on the sand. Looking up, Kirk recognized the distant form of his first officer as he reappeared at the far point of the cove. His gut clenched as he drew a deep breath. His actions today would change the fundamental nature of their relationship forever. Kirk had never been one to dither when a decision was needed, and he was facing a crucial one now. He knew he loved Spock, but did he trust him as much as he trusted himself? Trust him enough to feel, to be vulnerable? It should be a simple thing, nothing more than physical positions and nothing more than he had asked of almost every partner he’d ever had. 

Kirk was fairly certain that this wouldn’t be a deal breaker, for Spock. But it might be, for himself. He had to look at himself in the mirror every day. And every day, he’d see a man who backed down from the truth, from equality. From Spock. Honesty would not allow him to continue an unequal relationship even though it meant so much to him. It wasn’t just positions, either, he knew now. Things would change outside of bed, in ways he couldn’t imagine or predict. But he had a starship to run, a crew to whom he was responsible, a duty to the fleet… 

A lone figure appeared far down the beach. Kirk’s thoughts raced, his pulse rose as he watched his first officer’s tall figure approach. Kirk stood up and stretched, then gathered up the blanket. Time seemed to crawl by as he waited, forcing himself to patience, forcing himself to breathe.

Spock eventually came to stand in front of him.

There was a long silence before Kirk finally spoke. “I hope you had a nice walk,” he said. He felt awkward. He felt himself sweating.

“The exercise was salutary. I also encountered several interesting specimens of local tidal pool life forms,” Spock replied.

“Ah, good. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” Kirk swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, and inwardly cursed the pride and fear that made him hesitate.

Another silence.

“The hour is getting late,” Spock murmured. He turned toward the cabin. “Shall we retire for a meal?”

Starfleet and his duty to the fleet were excuses he’d used for too long. “Spock.”

Spock turned back. Standing almost at attention, he waited.

Kirk stepped closer. He gazed up into the hooded eyes and delved beyond the stoic expression into the promises hidden beneath. His heart pounded, breath wisped lightly through parted lips until certainty grew into resolution. 

“I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier,” Kirk said. He licked dry lips, then plunged on. “I think you were right about exploring different things in our relationship.” A weight seemed to lift from his shoulders as he held out his hand. “I’d like very much to try something different tonight if you’re willing.”

“Indeed,” Spock replied. One corner of his mouth turned up slightly, his obsidian eyes alight with fire as he grasped Kirk’s hand, “I would like that also.”

Kirk felt the grin spread across his face as his lover led him inside.

finis


End file.
